Directing: C+
Acting: B+
Writing: D
Cinematography: B+
Editing: B-

“You’re hyperbolic!” snaps Marie, at one point in this movie that is, ironically, maybe the most pretentious I have ever seen. Malcolm & Marie feels like an experiment that failed spectacularly, a worthwhile exercise that should never have been taken any further than just that: an exercise. It’s among the first mainstream films to have been written, produced, directed and completed during the COVID-19 pandemic in the United States, with only two characters ever seen onscreen and shot in a single location. With all that extra time on his hands, you;d think writer-director Sam Levinson could have developed this abysmal script into something that no longer felt like a first draft.

This movie is all over the place. It has a couple of strong points. Much like Levinson’s previous and far better film, Assassination Nation (2018), the cinematography is one of the best things about it. There are some truly beautiful shots. Malcom & Marie is also shot entirely in black and white, evidently to narrow the focus on the two performers. The problem this time is that shooting this endless string of drivel in black and white only adds another layer of pretension.

At least with this film Levinson managed to snag a couple of bona fide stars: John David Washington and Zendaya as the title characters, a couple returned from a movie premiere. They spend the rest of the night mostly fighting over unbearably stupid shit. I won’t lie, occasionally I did see my own relationship in the petty ways these two went out of their way to hurt each other. The difference is, my husband and I are never this articulate when we’re shouting at each other, nor are we ever shouting about high-minded philosophy of “art.”

Malcolm is the director of the aforementioned film whose premiere they have returned from, you see. I kept wondering if the nonsense coming out of his mouth, about making film, or about his frustrations with certain things film critics focus on, was just Levinson using a character and a film to air his own grievances. Who knows? It’s impossible to tell when it’s already taking a herculean effort just not to tune out the bickering.

What I cannot figure out is who this movie is for. Fans of the actors? People merely interested in seeing how filmmaking can work (or can’t work) in the midst of pandemic-related restrictions? Maybe just rubber-neckers eager to witness a disaster? Why this had to go on for 106 minutes, I’ll never know. After being relatively intrigued for the first third or so of the movie, I lost my patience with it 34 minutes in. I am convinced my stamina in this regard was greater than most.

The acting is good. I’m seeing some people, even harsh critics of the film, saying the acting is “brilliant,” but I just don’t see how that’s possible with dialogue this contrived, between two characters who are both so deeply unlikable. Even great actors can’t save this bizarrely slick ode to self-indulgence. The concept here could have been executed with finesse, if not for Levinson’s decision to make the characters Hollywood insiders, offering commentary on Hollywood. This is supposed to be a so-called “romantic reckoning,” which could be done far more effectively without all that “Hollywood” crap. Maybe this is a “write what you know” approach. It feels like Levinson doesn’t know enough about script revision.

What a wasted opportunity. Malcom & Marie could have been made with just as few people, and with a better script, still been compelling enough to make you forget it was made under unprecedented limitations. But it’s not like movies with only two characters or set in one location have never been made before; in the past, occasionally it was a gimmick for its own sake. Sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn’t, but the point is, it can work. There’s no reason this couldn’t have. Instead, Malcom & Marie seems to exist solely to keep otherwise bored filmmakers busy. Some talented people have squandered their talent here, but at least they got some work. Good for them, I guess.

*Take it from me, whatever depth you see here is an illusion.*

Overall: C