Directing: C+
Acting: C+
Writing: C-
Cinematography: B+
Editing: B
Special Effects: B-

To my genuine surprise, it could be said that Godzilla vs. Kong is the best of both worlds. Granted, that’s not saying much. Anyway, let’s review:

Godzilla (2014) was pointlessly dull for half the movie until things finally got exciting—and San Francisco got destroyed. Kong: Skull Island (2017) is the best of all these movies from recent years, but still unexceptional, an exercise in remembering similar, far better movies from the past. Godzilla: King of the Monsters (2019), by far the worst of all these films, is just a visually indecipherable, chaotic mess, in which Boston—of all places—gets destroyed. Now in 2021—though originally scheduled for a November 2020 release—Godzilla vs. Kong combines the two franchises, not quite stacking up to one and significantly improving on the other. This time, Hong Kong gets destroyed.

In other words, Godzilla vs. Kong, being the third in a recent trilogy of American-made Godzilla movies, is about as good as Godzilla get more evenly paced; it’s a significant improvement over the dreadful Godzilla: King of the Monsters; and isn’t quite as good as Kong: Skull Island, which itself was merely adequate. A ringing endorsement!

It should be noted, perhaps, that much of my enjoyment of Godzilla vs. Kong is the result of genuine relief that it was nowhere near as bad as King of the Monsters. I spent much of my review of that film contemplating why the hell I bothered going to see it at all—and indeed, had the pandemic never happened and all movies were still being initially released exclusively in theaters, you would not be reading this review right now, as I would not have bothered going to see it. But, the world is different now: this movie is indeed playing in theaters, but is also available streaming on HBO Max, which I already subscribe to so I could watch this at no extra cost at all. I reviewed all the other films in both these franchise’s recent released, so I just figured what the hell, why not?

I won’t like, I kind of enjoyed myself, in spite of how numbingly ridiculous everything about this movie is. The script is the worst, as literally every single line of dialogue in this film is dumb. And that is not an exaggeration of hyperbole; it’s the truth, without exception. But who the hell watches a movie like this for its linguistic brilliance?

And I suppose I should be fair: when it comes to the young people who make up the target demographic of movies like this, they are likely to have a blast, with no complaints. Even from that perspective, it bears repeating how visually dark and difficult to follow King of the Monsters was. It was a relentless slog of relentless action with no navigable visual language, and by that particular measure, Godzilla vs. Kong is a vast improvement. At least the action sequences are all brightly lit this time. You can actually see what the hell is going on. And, for the most part, they are actually exciting to watch. There’s actually some nicely memorable imagery, such as a deaf child (Kaylee Hottle, who really is deaf) extending her hand toward Kong, who reaches out to her with his own giant fingertip. If I were, say, 15 years old, I would probably love this movie.

So, yes, once again we get a Godzilla movie filled with great actors whose talents are completely wasted: Alexander Skarsgård, Rebecca Hall, Kyle Chandler, Demián Bichir. Does it even matter what characters they play? It really doesn’t: a washed-up scientist with a “theory” no one takes seriously here, a tech wizard villain there. This movie throws in a couple of young teenagers clearly just to provide someone relatable to the movie’s audience: Stranger Things’s Millie Bobby Brown (also in Godzilla: King of the Monsters), and Hunt for the Wilderpeople’s Julian Dennison. There’s really no reason for them to be principal supporting characters otherwise, and oddly, they spend most of their time with a conspiracy podcast host named Bernie (Brian Tyree Henry).

Also, the “twist” regarding what becomes of Godzilla and Kong in the end is something easily seen coming a mile away. Unpredictability is not this movie’s strong suit, but then, what is? Well: spectacle. It actually does that pretty well, and the blithe disregard for massive collateral damage notwithstanding, there’s something novel and fun about seeing these two giant creatures (and yes, they still get referenced as "MUTOs,” “Massive Unidentified Terrestrial Organisms”) battle amongst the neon-lit skyscrapers of Hong Kong. This is the one action sequence that takes place at night in the dark, and they are still well lit.

Okay, the story also takes the action literally to the center of the earth, at which point you might as well just throw your hands up to this entire universe’s utter fantasy. I mean, why bother complaining when you’re already watching a movie about a giant radioactive lizard and a giant gorilla? There’s no way I would call Godzilla vs. Kong a good movie, but it passed the time on a Wednesday evening when I had nothing better to do.

*You have to give it this much: it gives you what you came for.*

Overall: C+