Directing: C
Acting: B
Writing: C+
Cinematography: B-
Editing: C+
Special Effets: C-

There have been a few great movies set on trains, and a lot of pretty good ones. This latest one, an ensemble piece with Brad Pitt at its center, hardly makes it into the realm of “okay.” It’s got way too much talking for how dull most of the dialogue is, and not enough action.

The last act does get more exciting, with a sequence that effectively turns it into Runaway Train, but this is a 126-minute movie that could easily have been 105 minutes at most. By then it’s a little late for the movie to save itself.

To give the movie credit where it’s due, the script, by Zak Olkewicz based on the novel of the same name by Japanese novelsit Kôtarô Isaka, does have several moments that made me laugh pretty hard. They just come interspersed with scenes that are overstuffed and over-concerned with a labyrinthine plot about a man (Pitt) hired to grab a briefcase full of money off a train. There are also several cameos that are fun, but feature actors whose talents are too great to be wasted on this movie.

I spent about the first half of Bullet Train wishing here were more action sequences. That’s what I come to a movie like this for, for some excitement, not lame attempts at “snarky banter” and “snappy editing.” This is a movie influenced by so many others that came before it that it collapses under the weight of the superior content that came before it.

A lot could have been forgiven with just some well-choreographed fight sequences. Instead, Bullet Train too often mistakes gore and a high body count for wit. And being set on a bullet train, there are many opportunities for gripping excitement. The few times this movie takes such opportunities, it veers headlong into the absurd. A man tricked into getting off at a stop jumps onto the back of the train accelerating out of the station, and then uses his brass knuckles to break though the last train car’s back window. Seriously?

Easily the worst part of this movie is its visual effects. It’s a widespread problem these days for movie CGI to look cheap and incomplete, but Bullet Train is a particularly bad offender. Literally not one scene with any kind of background looks real. How am I supposed to get invested in what’s going on if every scene effectively looks like a cartoon? Something that looks fake has no capacity to impress.

I suppose the best thing about this movie is the ensemble cast, featuring Brian Tyree Henry, Aaron Taylor-Johnson, Michael Shannon, Sandra Bullock, Bad Bunny, Zazie Beets, and plenty of others, in addition to Brad Pitt. In the hands of another director, this cast alone might have elevated the material, but David Leitch has fashioned something that just feels overall like a cash grab. Ironically, it is apparently poised to easily out-earn any other movie this weekend, but that’s really only because blockbuster competition in 2022 has been sparse. When it comes to great tentpole entertainment this summer, it’s been a little bleak.

I don’t expect a movie like Bullet Train to be high art, mind you. I do prefer it not be lazy, which this movie is on nearly all fronts. I won’t deny that I was entertained, but that’s hardly an achievement considering the options in theaters right now. This was a movie I was fine going to see, only because it was what the multiplex had to offer. I long for a time when filmmakers aim higher.

*Time to get onboard the “off the rails” train!*

Overall: C+