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Here are the latest updates at McQuilkin-Agarwal Manor.
By last night, Shobhit was clearly in a different emotional space. He was much more placid, reserved, even docile. We walked up to Trader Joe's to get some produce for use on nachos we're going to bring to Action Movie Night tonight, and he glanced at all the clutter in the closet by the front door. "We have too much stuff," he said. "We need to start getting rid of stuff. If we're going to separate. I used to be able to move with just two suitcases of stuff."
This was not said in an aggressive tone. It had a sort of resignation to it, but not in a way that I felt indicated anything definite. He's worried. I think this is maybe the third or second time ever, in the entire time we've been together, that he has actually taken a threat to our relationship seriously. I actually think this is a good thing,
especially once we move forward with some professional help.
As I said to him on Monday: we'll never know whether going to a counselor will help unless we try. We simply cannot go on not doing anything at all.
Something he said while we were walking has really stuck with me. "You're the only one having a problem," he said. He kind of walked right into the point with that one.
That's precisely the issue. Of course, this is just a way of subtly inferring that I'm the only one bearing any responsibility. Naturally he wants me to go on tolerating things that are intolerable, because that way it can feel like everything is okay. But everything is not okay.
But it could be! I also stick on this idea that I'm trying to "change him" (this did not come up last night, for the record). Getting professional help doesn't change a person's fundamental being. It gives us the tools to be better versions of ourselves, ways to communicate in healthier ways. I want to gain skills of this sort for myself just as much as I want him to.
I don't see why we can't simply decide to have faith that we can make this work. It absolutely will not work—not for me, anyway—if we continue going on without taking some decisive action. Even Shobhit's emotional turn as of yesterday, this is part of a well-worn pattern. I told him last night, we both have patterns we need to break. We clearly can't do it on our own. It doesn't make either of us worse as people. Everyone can benefit from therapy.
And sure, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe this
is delaying the inevitable. I've been wrong many times. But, faith is a powerful thing. We've proved people wrong many times in our relationship, just by making our own rules. It's time to make some new ones.
Something has to change, and I think we can do it.
Here's the flip side: Shobhit told me he had spoken to his friend Faith, the one we visited in Palm Springs for Thanksgiving in 2021 and in 2023, and who was the roommate he was subletting from when we first met in 2004. Apparently she said to him, "You guys are never going to separate." I did not take this as a criticism; I know Faith pretty well. I took it as her simply taking for granted that Shobhit and I will always be together. And you know what? That could also be right.
We just need to do something new in order to make sure it is.
I'm really glad Shobhit and Faith are still close friends. Of all the many friends I have to lean on in real times of emotional need, Faith is the only version of that Shobhit has. I want that for him. She asked him to go visit her, and he's thinking about it. I'd love to go visit her together, but now is not the best time for that. He found a cheap ticket on March 18. I think it could be a good idea. The last time I came even close to thinking about separation this seriously, Faith had a clearly biased version of events from Shobhit and obviously thought I was in the wrong. I disagree but I also don't care: even then I thought, Shobhit needs a friend who is unquestioningly on his side.
Not that this needs to be a side with battles. We need to work together. Shobhit is resistant to professional help of this sort, but I'm at a point where I have no choice but to force his hand. And I also said to him last night, "Even if our relationship weren't in as much trouble as I feel it is, we can always benefit from learning ways to make healthier choices." He brought up the relationship workshop we once took, subtly suggesting that should have been good enough. Two key points there: that was a group scenario and we need focused attention. We also need something more intensive, something potentially transformative. That workshop, which was ages ago (fifteen years at least), was informative but I would not call it transformative, and certainly not intensive.
Right now is not the right time to go for something that is
not a challenge. I don't see an easy way through this. But I do see a way through it, and that is an important distinction.
I already have multiple names of therapists to start looking into.
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Even before all that, I mentioned something to Shobhit right after I got home yesterday . . . about cats.
I was thinking about Shobhit's refusal to travel if it means leaving any cat at home alone. There are actually solves for this. They mean spending some money, but that's where compromise comes in, I guess. There's
Rover, which Laney has actually used before and where you can hire pet sitters—and you can choose a sitter who either stops by to check up on your pet, or who actually stays at your place while you're gone. The daily rates for these sitters really run the gamut, and $40 per night was on the low side of what I found. But they have user ratings which can be very helpful. There's also
Trusted House Sitters, which comes with a membership cost but otherwise can be used to travel in exchange for looking after pets. This is where we could become a host home for other travelers, and in that scenario they would be staying rather than just stopping by for half an hour every day, which is clearly not good enough for Shobhit. It's totally good enough for me (and the average cat, actually), but as I said to Shobhit: this would be a compromise for both of us.
I did start by stressing that I was not suggesting we get a new cat any time soon (I'm inclined right now to wait until after we go to D.C. at minimum, as that's likely to be the longest both of us are away from home all year), and was only throwing these out as ideas to think about. Again, it does involve extra costs, but I figure they are just costs that we can fold into any travel planning. I saw many reviews of Rover users noting how frequently the sitter texted photos of the pets, which I'm sure Shobhit would find very reassuring.
In any case, this is one issue where I am willing to move. We both have to move a little, though. That's the actual definition of compromise. Shobhit has spent a lot of time trying to insist he's the only one of us who ever compromises, which is patently untrue—and this would be one of countless things that a professional could help us communicate more effectively about. Which is to say: just because I am willing to concede on some things, like this, does not mean we don't still need to take a kind of action on our relationship that we have never taken before. Kind of desperately, in my view.
Again, though: I have faith that it can work for us. It's simply going to require that we
both make an effort.
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Beyond all that, all we did last night was have veggie burgers for dinner again—I have a ton of samples to burn through, which we took home from the office over the weekend—and then watch four, I think it was, episodes of season 2 of
Silo on Apple TV+. I'm really into it.
Things pick up on the social front as of tonight, when we have our Action Movie Night, which I already mentioned. That'll get Shobhit's Winter Social Review points up to 29, compared to Laney's 23. Although Laney will be up to 25 by the end of the weekend. At that point, though, Shobhit will also be up further, to at minimum 31 and maybe 32. By the 21s, which is when this Social Revie date range ends, Laney should be at 30 at the highest. Shobhit should rest easy that he's now comfortably a lock for the #1 position, as he'll be at 32 or maybe even 33.
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[posted 1:04pm]
