Thu, 06:21: I saw this in my Facebook memories and clicked the link to start watching the 84-minute tribute video to Mom that I shared two years ago today—and I wound up just watching the whole thing. It was an odd, kind of low-key emotional roller coaster of a watch. If nothing else, it made me consistently wistful. I teared up a few times. https://t.co/mQDFpQjCcP
Something else struck me about it, though, something I'm kind of surprised never registered when I was combing through 28 years of home video footage two years ago. In the earlier years, Mom is comparatively irritable and grumpy. Once she's marrying Bill, she's clearly very happy, in a way that stayed with her the rest of her life. Her less cheerful demeanor before that isn't oppressive or excessive per se, but still the difference once Bill comes along is like night and day.
It bums me out that, when Mom and Bill actually got married in 1997, I was too young and dumb to see that.
None of this erases the myriad complicated issues that existed in my relationship with her, most of which had nothing to do with Bill. Still, there's some level of comfort in finally feeling some genuine happiness for her. I always said they were perfect for each other, but that was always couched in a kind of cynicism. I look at the photos and footage of them together now and feel happy for her in a way that is much more pure. Time and distance always gives us greater perspective, I guess.
Fri, 5:29: My uncle from Australia replied to my email about the day at the Washington State Fair and told me the scones we were holding up "look like fruity hamburgers!" LOLOL (The way I see it, any actual hamburger that *I* make shall henceforth be called "fruity hamburgers.")
Fri, 22:41: People told me right after Mom died to expect this, but I still feel compelled to mention, 15 months after she died, I am still encountering easy triggers into complicated, emotional memories of her. It seems to happen mostly during movie scenes involving mothers, like the one I saw today in which a nurturing mom reassures her insecure teenage child.
Mom had her failings, which were many. She also had her strengths, and they were also many. So much of how proud I am of my true self comes from her, even though she actually never fully embraced my true self.
Sometimes it feels like I am still grieving not just what was, but what I wish could have been. Grieving the loss of something never had was not something I ever expected.
