. . . And only six weeks later: Guru is gone too. This is the first time we are left with no pets at all since we had to put Peng down, in February of 2008. We brought Guru and Shanti home in April of the same year.
Shanti died on May 19. That was six weeks ago yesterday. Shobhit has regularly been telling me, or texting me, how many days, and then how many weeks, it's been.
It's worth noting that Shanti's death was a deeply
traumatic experience, but the experience today was not, at all. It's true that both of them were visibly declining in the last days before their deaths, but at least with Guru we had some agency in the process, some control over how it went. He had a vet appointment, we made the decision together after the vet, Dr. Castor, told us the prognosis was bad, and we chose not to delay the inevitable. We were there with Guru, petting and comforting him, when he went.
Shobhit did try, somewhat half-heartedly, to argue for a couple of more days with Guru. But, Dr. Castor said Guru was in distress, definitely very uncomfortable, and the more we delay, the higher the chance that he could have "a very acute death." I had to say a few times that we needed to get it over with today, but when Dr. Castor asked if we needed some time to discuss it, Shobhit said no, we'll go through with it.
If there was any major downside to what control we might have had over Guru's passing, it was that it was already delayed maybe more than it should have been. Guru went into what felt like sharp decline the weekend before last, meowing a lot at some points and at others hiding under the bed in our bedroom. He seemed at times both confused and disoriented, not to mention in distress. I even
took a picture of him under the bed on Saturday June 22 (the Saturday before last), and even in the picture he looks scared. He was just laying under there, eyes wide, for a long while. He did not look like he was resting at all.
On Sunday that weekend, I actually made an appointment at City Cat Mobile Vet (they have a clinic and we always took the cats in) for that Monday, June 24, at 9 a.m. That had to get rescheduled when Mark, the veterinary assistant, emailed that Sunday afternoon that Dr. Castor had covid and could not see any clients the following week. So, I rescheduled Guru's appointment for Wednesday this week (July 3), which was a big relief to Shobhit, because I had already told him there was a fair chance we'd have to put Guru down that Monday. In fact, in retrospect, it helped with Shobhit to have this delay, because it gave him more time to come to terms with this possibility.
Shortly after the weekend before last, Guru actually seemed to improve and stabilize a bit, although his weight loss remained a problem. Over the past week or so, it became increasingly clear again that there was a real problem. Guru hasn't eaten like normal in probably three weeks, and over the past week or so he would eat a few tiny bites every time I fed him, and then wander away. He hasn't had a normal bowel movement in at least a week. As of today he hadn't pooped at all in at least two days, and even that was just a tiny little turd.
I had emailed Mark to ask to reschedule for either early this morning or late afternoon if an appointment opened up. This morning he emailed to say a 3:30 appointment became available, and so I took it. I sent out the calendar announcement at work that I would be leaving at 2:30 for the rest of the day, at which time I rode my bike home. I got home at 3:00, and within about 15 minutes I had the pet carrier pulled out of the master bedroom closet, and put Guru in it.
Guru meowed a lot in there, and it was a very different meow than I had ever heard. It sounded fearful but exhausted, and it was heartbreaking. I still held out hope that maybe Dr. Castor would examine him and say there was something we could do to buy Guru some time and comfort, but I wasn't particularly expecting it.
And once we were there and in the exam room with Dr. Castor, after relaying all of Guru's many issues to Mark, I really appreciated her directness and realism. She gave him an exam, and she noted his labored breathing, which I had also noticed at home yesterday. She said she could feel a mass in his lower abdomen, which could be pancreatic cancer. There was no knowing for sure, but she did say, "The prognosis doesn't look good." She said they could run a bunch of tests but it wasn't likely anything could be done for him. I feel like a lot of vets could have gone for suggesting unnecessary tests that would cost us a lot, and this felt refreshingly honest.
Not that it wasn't still disappointing of course. As soon as it was clear to me that putting him down was the right thing to do, the tears started coming. Shobhit came around to agreeing fairly quickly, and we were all moved to the exam room next door where there was room for us all to sit on the floor.
Shobhit did ask for an estimate of the cost of private cremation, just as we had done with Shanti, and he was surprised that it was slightly less expensive than it had been at Timberline Emergency Veterinary. I was not surprised, though; an emergency vet is always more expensive. I also appreciated the opportunity to pay first, so we could just leave as soon as we were ready.
We were left in the room with Guru for a few minutes. I had left my phone in my backpack at home, but Shobhit had his, and he wanted to
take some photos. Within a few minutes, Dr. Castor returned, with a veterinary assistant. I remembered this whole process from
when we put Peng down, but I would say Dr. Castor was a bit more mindful about walking us through the whole process. She explained possible things Guru's body might do after he was sedated, and that in some cases the cat passes even before the second injection, the lethal one.
Guru did not pass from just the sedative. He was given a tiny little dish of a gel-like treat, though, which he clearly liked. He was eating it while the sedative was administered to him, in his scruff. There was something I really loved about this, because his last moment of consciousness was spent doing something he enjoyed. This would be a stark contrast to Shanti's final moments of consciousness.
He basically just lowered his head to the floor, right next to that little dish, and went to sleep. I moved the dish out of the way, and a towel was laid out in front of Dr. Castor, where Guru was turned around and set on top of. Even though Guru was now asleep, and from this point forward any comfort was really just for Shobhit's and my own benefit, we continued to pet him, while Dr. Castor shaved a part of Guru's hind leg. She found a vein, gave him the injection, and within moments he stopped breathing.
I sobbed, for a minute. I did cry a fair amount in this whole process, but it was nothing like when Shanti died. The key difference is the ability to prepare ourselves mentally. Discovering Shanti how I did was a massive shock, and there was no shock involved in any part of the process today. We were told we could spend as much time as we needed with him, and Dr. Castor and the assistant left the room. Shobhit was ready to go almost sooner than I was, which somewhat of a surprise given how much time he had spent with Shanti before we left the night we took her body to Timberline.
The exam rooms at City Cat have tissue boxed in them, thankfully, and I made use of them. I hugged Shobhit and sobbed for a minute more. Curiously, Shobhit hasn't cried, nor did he through the whole process with Shanti—even though he had broken down sobbing the day we put Peng down in 2008. He was clearly in grief, though; I had only to look at his face to see that. I blew my nose a couple of times, and then I was ready to go. We left Guru there, laying peacefully on a white towel in the exam room. I picked up the cat carrier, sadly now empty, to take back to the car.
On our way out, the veterinary assistant handed us
a tiny little vase of yellow flowers, which was very sweet. I also looked for a waste basket, and could not find one. I asked her if she had a garbage can, and she just took my snotty tissues right in her bare hands. I hope she washed her hands after that! (I'm sure she did.)
Shobhit had suggested we take Guru's collar, so I did take that off his body and take it. We had done the same with Shanti, but I didn't see the sense in keeping it and threw it away after a few days. I'll probably do the same with Guru's collar, but it did make a nice prop for the photo I took of the flower vase on the base of one of our scratching posts.
Now I need to think about cleaning certain pet things and storing them away, now that we have no pets at home: the food dishes, the litter boxes. I'll probably do that tonight.
I did have an odd realization while at the vet clinic: today is also the fourth anniversary of Mom passing. This is not something I am dwelling on, although I did find myself thinking recently about how the very reality I experience remains different now versus before Mom died. When it comes to pets, though, I already know from a lifetime of experience that time heals all wounds. I no longer actively miss Batty (1989-2004), or Peng (1998-2008), and the same will be the case with Shanti and Guru in a few years, when hopefully we will have gotten another cat. For now, though, we definitely do need a break. The worst thing, really, is having Shanti and Guru die only six weeks apart. That really sucks. There's also a bit of relief, though, because I no longer have to spend so much time every day worrying about either of them.
We deeply loved them both, and we will never forget them or stop loving them. That much is true.
I'll close by sharing the beautiful poem Laney wrote with astonishing swiftness today, and shared in a common on my Facebook post about Shanti passing today. She began by saying,
this is not a comment on a belief in heaven, just a wee poem for Guru—and then, the poem:
Go now, with Shanti
If there is a rainbow bridge
she’ll be there for you
to show you around
help you find the tasty snacks
give you some comfort
and you can be young
together you will frolic
like kittens again
It made me cry all over again. I was very moved by it.
[posted 6:11 pm]
