Last night was Lea's 40th birthday celebration viewing of the original 1980 film Friday the 13th, and I am going to start with the form of reparative therapy I underwent as a teenager. If you can believe it, there actually is a connection!

When my sexuality was discovered by my parents in the summer of 1991—I was 15 years old—I was visiting Dad and Sherri for the summer. But, even though Mom never actually proposed this herself, I was the one who beat her to the punch, saying I wanted to "get help." She found me a counselor, who I saw regularly between August 1991 and February 1992. I actually just paged through my 1991 and 1992 journals, which is why I can tell you I saw John the Christian Counselor (an official title I am giving him now, 32 years later) precisely 19 times in that timespan. I know this because I numbered each visit as the title for that day's journal entry: "The Counselor," "The Counselor 2," "The Counselor 3," etc. It ends on "The Counselor 19," after which I took a six-month break, and had a sort of check-in session in August. That entry was titled, "The Counselor 20: Check-up."

I'm going to share a portion of that entry about the 20th appointment now:

Anyway, Mom came home, watched her soaps. then took me to the counselor. In this appointment, all I was to tell was how life is treating me now. I ended up telling him how I hated my dad back in June, and how that hate transformed into the most love I've ever had for my father. I told him all about this past week, too. He says that it's good that I've built on good relationships and kept them strong.
He asked if my homosexual fantasies I once had continue to not be a problem. I said yes; no problem.

Reading that now, I can detect an element of contrived, plausible deniability. I wrote what I told him, not what was actually true. I've been telling people for years that I lied through my teeth at him in that appointment, because even though my sessions with him were actually immensely helpful in every aspect of my life except my sexuality, I had made a conscious choice that I did not want to have to re-up weekly counseling sessions with him. Even at sixteen, I knew I had gotten what I could out of that period of counseling, and that any kind of "do-over" were I to admit that I was still fantasizing about men would be pointless. I wanted to move on and I did not want to keep going to counseling. (Side note: everyone can benefit from therapy, provided it's for the right purposes. I would as well, even now. I'm only sharing how I was feeling about getting counceled by that guy, at that time.)

Anyway, all that is just a roundabout way to get back to Friday the 13th, which I remember discussing with John the Christian Counselor. I fetched my journals this morning to see whether I had ever written anything about it. Here is all I can find:

Thursday, September 12, 1991 ("The Counselor 4"): He talked about the most embarrassing thing he could. Masturbation. It was really embarrassing, but not as embarrassing as when Sherri talked to me about it. John (the counselor) told me that I shouldn't masturbate when I'm having homosexual thoughts and feelings. So I'm not gonna. That's a big step. [...] He told me to do something else: Carry around a flashcard and write down whenever I get those feelings, to let him know what starts them. So I guess I'll do that.

Friday, September 13, 1991: ...Nothing much happened after school. Well, I've got to stop because I've run out of room [on the page] and I'm gonna go record the movies Friday the 13th parts one and two. I'm interested to see how stupid part nine will be when it comes out.

Wednesday, September 18, 1991 ("The Counselor 5"): We talked about a lot of things. He told me to still write down when I get those feelings. [...] Those "feelings" are still getting lesser and lesser every day. I just thought I'd let you know.

Aside from how heartbreaking it is to read such things from an obviously gay 15-year-old (be it some other kid, or myself), there's a lot of transparent denial going on there—largely aided and abetted by a Christian counselor. (In my final session with him in February 1992, he actually ended it by leading us in a prayer.) Also, there are still certain details I remember in regards to this movie in particular, which I never went out of my way to connect in the journal entries at the time.

I clearly opted not to get into detail about our discussion of what I had put on those flashcards in the intervening week, before session #4 and session #5. One of the times I wrote down about having "those feelings" was specific to watching Friday the 13th—which, as I recall, John admitted he had also been watching. There's a sex scene, between a young man and a young woman (obviously; there would be no gay sex scenes in any mainstream movie from 1980), and it had turned me on. I remember specifically that you could see the guy's butt in the scene.

I had totally forgotten until re-watching the movie last night that the guy in that scene was Kevin Bacon. Also, I had this memory of the two of them getting harpooned from beneath the bed together, but what actually happens is the woman leaves the bed, and it's Kevin Bacon who gets an arrow shoved through the bed and then through the front of his throat. That part never turned me on, for the record.

Anyway, I can still remember John's response to this: oh, that's fine. His argument was that it was a good thing I was getting turned on my sex happening between a man and a woman. Spoken like a truly clueless straight man: did he really think the presence of a woman had anything whatsoever to do with my getting turned on? They showed the man's butt!

It's interesting to me to revisit this journal entries now, three decades later, and what I can still remember that I never did write down. I'm sure that my 15-year-old self was scared of putting in writing all the specific things that had given me a hard-on over the course of a given week. But, I certainly remember being turned on by that scene, discussing it with my counselor as an example of having "gay thoughts," and being reassured that it was okay because it was a straight sex scene. Honestly John should have had his license revoked.

Incidentally, I could be wrong about this, but I don't think I ever watched that movie again, until last night. I never wrote anything about what I thought of it at 15, nor did I even explicitly write about watching it—only that I was going to "record" both the first two movies, on September 13—also an actual Friday the 13th in 1991, by the way. But, I next wrote about watching Part Two on the 14th because I had gone to the bathroom the night before and could not watch Part Two then because the toilet overflowed and Mom and I had to spend tim cleaning and mopping. Clearly I watched while recording—probably on HBO—on Friday.

This has allowed me to log the movie twice on Letterboxd, indicating I watched it 32 years apart, to the date. I did also add a brief review for the rewatch last night.

It feels a little wild that, both times I watched that movie, it was a Friday the 13th, and on top of that, it was a Friday the 13th in September. Gabriel sent text invites to Mandy, Andy and me on Sunday, to come to his and Lea's place on Friday and watch the original Friday the 13th on their back patio to celebrate Lea's 40th birthday (which was actually September 11—another fun date!). Mandy texted that she has never seen it, so I replied: I have. And I discussed it as a teenager with my reparative therapy counselor because of a sex scene in it that turned me on. He told me it was okay because there was a girl present!

Mandy replied, Can’t wait to unpack that during the rewatch… 😂😂

Mandy never did come last night.

But, the scene in question did, of course, eventually come up, on the projection screen Gabriel had set up with a projector, playing the movie from, I think, VOD on Prime Video. I was a little bit afraid I had misremembered which Friday the 13th movie the scene was from, but nope, it was definitely this one. There's a lot of hot young people in that movie, both female and male (lots of shirtless guys in cutoff jean shorts), and more than plenty horniness to go around. Gabriel asked me kind of early on, "Is this the scene, Matthew?" When he first asked, it wasn't. But then came the scene I definitely remembered. "This is the scene!" I said.

I was almost disappointed Kevin Bacon was the only one who got skewered. Skewering them both mid-coitus would be a much more creative kill, yes? (Josh said he thinks maybe it happens that way in one of the sequels. I have no idea if he's right.) To be fair, this was not an especially creative movie. It existed just for viewers to watch a group of camp counselors get murdered in increasingly gruesome ways—and movie critics at the time were certainly not amused: its score on MetaCritic is an abysmal 22. My favorite excerpt is from Gene Siskel: Only for sickies.

But, Lea loves horror, so this was Gabriel's idea: to celebrate her birthday by watching Friday the 13th on Friday the 13th. Who knew it would have such a massive tie-in to the history of my sexuality?

So now I'm really going to pivot hard, away from my gayness, and toward the party itself.

Oh, wait. There's another gay thing to share! The movie had to be paused several times, so that Lea could say goodbye to friends who needed to leave before the movie ended—mostly becase the movie wasn't even started until about 9:10. We waited for Julie and Ryan, and Josh who carpooled with them, and they were the last to arrive, battling a lot of traffic and coming from Mukilteo where Julie and Ryan apparently live. (I didn't get out the door myself until just after 6:00. I stopped at the Burien PCC to get some grapes to bring for the party because I was told Lea loves them; and then I stopped for gas at the Federal Way Costco at Shobhit's request because it has the cheapest gas in Washington. The Costco probably set me back at least 20 minutes, and even though Gabriel had said 7:00 for the party to start, I got there about 7:40.)

What was I talking about? Oh right, the gay thing. This was during one of the several times the movie had to be paused, and a few people had left. Lea moved from her chair in the front, to the bench in the back that was under an overhang that protected us from the rain—it rained off and on through the evening. So then Gabriel made the observation: "Everyone on that side is gay!" Lea's friends Josh and Jason were sitting in front of me; to my left was a South Asian lesbian couple, I think maybe one of them works with Lea? I don't remember their names. "I knew you were segregationists!" I said.

Gabriel never did note how many people had been invited when he texted Mandy and Andy and me—Andy never even responded; I'd be interested to know if he's still alive—which made me naively think this would be a small affair. But, there was a lot more people than I was expecting. Once we all sat down for the movie, Gabriel had set up outdoor patio seating for 14 people. That may not sound huge, but for post-pandemic Gabriel and Lea, that was a lot. In fact, so many of them were crowded into the kitchen and dining rooms at one point, I had to go outside and sit on one of the chairs or a bit, because I was feeling like there were just too many people. That was a surprising sensation to experience at Gabriel and Lea's house.

This brings me to covid testing. I still never go to Gabriel and Lea's without testing first. In fact, I meant to test as soon as I got home from work yesterday, and then forgot about it as I set to making chai to bring to the party. I was about to leave when I realized I still needed to test, so I did that, and it delayed me another 15 minutes. I know Gabriel appreciated it, given his reaction when I tested the negative test result. And when I was doing the test last-minute, Shobhit was actually confused as to why I was bothering: "You just got vaccinated," he said. This was true, but that doesn't mean I can't get covid, especially only three days later. Isn't it supposed to be like two weeks before a vaccine is fully effective?

But here's the thing. I would bet money that Gabriel, Lea and even Tess did covid tests before the party. But did anyone else who came? I think there's a significant chance that I was the only guest who did. And I don't think there was ever any blanket request that all the other guests do so. My guess is that the reasons for this were multifold: many of them would have reacted with confusion at this point: "What? Why?" Also, the intent was to gather for an outdoor movie watch, which of course mitigates risk—but, of course, plenty of time was spent inside with nearly everyone in one of just two rooms. But, perhaps even Gabriel and Lea are shifting into a phase of more calculated risk. They had a significantly traumatic event just the day before, and things are okay but after some deliberation regarding whether to move forward with the party plan, they decided to move forward as a distraction from the stress. As far as I know, this is the first party of this size they have had since before covid, and certainly the first I am aware of where they did not ask everyone who came to take a covid test.

I took one regardless, just knowing it would be appreciated. I'm also going to presume that, just like I did, they all got their booster shots already, getting them the moment they became available. Hell, they probably got it earlier. In any event, if anyone brought covid into that house last night, I can rest assured it wasn't me.

So anyway, let me back up a little. It took me an hour and 40 minutes to get the 28 miles to Gabriel and Lea's house. First stop, as I noted already, was the Burien PCC store, which I've only been to a handful of times. Gabriel told me Lea loves any and all grapes, but is especially interested in "fancy" ones. I found a sign for "cotton candy grapes," which I had already heard about before and had never tried. They were incredibly expensive. I took a few of the grapes out of one bag and tossed them into one of the others so I could save a dollar or two.

I knew there would be many snacks at the party, but not knowing what types they would be exactly, I decided to buy myself a half pint of Smoked Mozzarella Pasta—my all-time favorite PCC food product—at the Deli case. The middle-aged lady who dished it up for me said, "Is there anything else I can get you, dear?" I thought: am I out in the country?

Then, when I was waiting at the checkout line, a lady walked over me and said, "Hey, are you Matthew from the office?" I sure am! I had no idea who she was. "And what do you do here?" I asked. She said she does all sorts of things, working at the moment as a PIC; apparently she's worked backup POS for Liz, so we've exchanged POS-related emails before. I didn't remember her at all.

The Federal Way Costco was the next stop, which was the next exit further south on I-5 than I usually take to get to Gabriel's place. I drove roads through town from Costco to the house that I had never driven before. It was like a Discovery Tour of Federal Way. The route was totally different until I was all of maybe half a mile from the house. A lot of it was a pretty windy road, so I could pretend I was in a car commercial.

Arriving at 7:40, I was still only the second guest to arrive. Lea's friend Jason, who I'd met at the wedding, was the only other one already there. Eventually three of Lea's work friends from Brooks Running, who had also carpooled, arrived at once. That alone brought the attendee count to eight. Then came Annda (9), who I had walked down the aisle with at the wedding in May; Julie and Ryan and Josh (10, 11, 12); and then the South Asian lesbian couple (13, 14) whose names I can't remember.

The South Asian couple were the only ones besides Gabriel and Lea who had some of the chai I made and brought. I was asked what I put in it, and when I mentioned mint, something apparently not many people use, she was both taken aback and impressed. She even sniffed her mug again. "The mint is a game changer!" Okay, sure. Lea once told me she could taste the mint in it too, but I've never been able to. I just use it because it's how Shobhit has always made chai, and so, so do I. Anyway, they were very interested in my South Asian culinary interests, from what my favorite thing is to have with chai (American favorite: Biscoff cookies—"excellent choice," she said; Indian favorite: Good Day cashew cookies, which they responded to with satisfied recognition), to what my favorite Indian meal is to cook or to have. I explained I don't ever cook Indian meals and nor could I; she said she thought I was selling myself short, but conceded when I said Shobhit only ever cooks to taste and there have never been recipes. I would be totally out of my depth trying to replicate any dish he makes. But! My favorite Indian dish, aside from Shobhit's amazing and famous samosas, is Shahi Paneer. They seemed to agree that's a delicious dish.

I got a few of these questions from the lesbian couple, as I had taken the chair in the back corner of the set up seating out on the deck, and they sat on the bench right next to me, on the end of it closest to me. Eventually, shortly after 9:00, the movie was finally started.

Friday the 13th has a runtime of 95 minutes, and it rather feels longer. Plus, with all the times it had to be paused, it was after 11:00 by the time it was done, with maybe five of us guests still there. Lea said, "Thank you all for coming!" I said, "That's our cue, time to go!" And then, a lot of time was spent continuing to chat standing around in the living room. I'd have left sooner but there was a car parked behind me, and I decided not to rush anyone. That didn't stop me from saying to Gabriel at one point, "I'm just waiting for a car to get out of my way, haha!"

I was in the car and leaving at 11:45. I got home at 12:23. Shobhit was home, watching a rerun of The Golden Girls. I did my back stretching exercises, and shortly thereafter we were both in bed.

[posted 2:41 pm]